i know i've sort of neglected writing anything down for a while, but i've just been so busy trying to keep myself busy, it's been kind of difficult. i've started to notice that this is the time of year i usually find myself more or less alone, trying to start over. it's an odd tradition, but my life is riddled with them, so it doesn't really faze me. all i wanted to do all summer was move, but now that the time is upon me to do just that, it's getting a little tough. it means being a little more proactive and packing up my stuff, which is a little annoying. i can barely get my laundry done in a timely fashion. i'm flashing back to last time, though. i had just started seeing a girl named claire. of all the people i've ever been involved with, claire was the one in whom i was the least interested. i just felt like flexing my manipulation muscles and seeing what i was even capable of doing. having been out of the dating world for a really long time and then suddenly finding myself back in it doing horribly, meeting the girl before claire was a relief - until she disappeared three days later, ultimately causing me to think i really sucked at girls. fortunately, i never really liked claire that much and she didn't really like me that much either, so it was a nice little collision. it didn't really last much longer than a week, as well.
this year i'm a little more mature than i was last year. i don't need to prove anything to anyone else, much less my own self. i'm sure i'm just fine. claire was the last person i found myself actually involved with, unless you count the last girl i went out with a few times who moved to hawaii shortly after i met her. i don't. at the rate i'm going, by the time i'm 30, i'll be lucky if anyone says hi to me. things appear to be on the decline.
i don't really know if i want anything in particular, whether that's to be single or part of a couple again. naturally, everyone i see seems to be in a committed relationship these days, which is mostly annoying because i hate couples in the first place, but sometimes i wonder if i'm jealous because that's what i want. and then i take off and waste a day by myself reading and doing me things and wonder why anyone would ever give up that freedom. sometimes i wish i was a slut. i'd get the best of both worlds. unfortunately, it's not in my nature to be that agressive about what i want, and i don't feel like i'm completely entitled to have whatever it is i want when i want it, regardless of the consequences... so slutting is kind of out.
i guess what really grates on me is the feeling of having no friends. i got a degree in theatre but did not pursue that any further once i graduated, instead getting a job in the real world. and it was a great litmus test. all my theatre friends were actually acting. or something. i've always been all about the partnership of convenience, but this time around it's actually kind of backfiring on me, because everyone i've surrounded myself with for the last few years had just as noncommittal an approach as i have. whoops on me for that.
i can't finish a blog post anymore. i can't freeze ice cream, and i can't remember to turn off the stove. it's a marvel i haven't burnt down this house or at least burnt out half of the refrigerator. guess i'll just quit while i'm ahead (snort).
