My New Robot Home

Hypnopelican

2008-05-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Oh, if ever there was a good time for a change of pace, that time is now.

A good friend of mine suggested I go on vacation to kind of get away from things for a bit. God knows my life isn't as calm as it should be, and the chaos is really starting to eat away at me.

So - I guess now is as good a time as any to start trying to figure out where to go, who to see, and what to do.

Junglecricket

2008-04-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

This has been a tough week. I've been thinking much more than I should be, which generally leads to sleepless nights and long workdays. This week has certainly not been an exception. My life feels like it's stuck in a really weird state of false starts and discontinuities and I'm not really sure why, but it's a pattern that - now that I think of it - has really been going on for the last few years, with a few exceptions. So ironic that after months of soul-searching about what I really want, I figure it out only to find out 12 hours later that I cannot have it, and I might never get the chance again. Sure, I'll meet other women. It's not like I live in an igloo on a remote Arctic island. But, you keep raising the bar and it keeps getting harder. For someone who likes control over shaping the present and future, at least for himself, I'm entering into a very difficult period, because right now I just have to wait and see. Everything is suspended midair and when and where it falls is not up to me. I just have to make sure I can be ready to react and try to catch it.

Turbomule

2008-04-19T12:23:00.001-07:00

So, April. Wow. I have this thing, April never really turns out great, but it generally always lays a foundation for restarting everything and starting anew. This probably makes for a good explanation of why in previous years I've thought about New Year's resolution-type initiatives for myself so much later in the year. Perhaps I was calibrated to follow the 365-day calendar from day one without waiting until the first January, seeing how I was born in April. Anyway, this has been a month of rejection and disappointment, but I'm not feeling horrible about all of it. Well not at this very moment, at least.

So anyway, here's the rundown:

My job is turning out to be the biggest mixed bag ever. Career-wise I'm shooting straight in the direction I want to be shooting in, and I'm on the fast track to getting where I want to go. Really it's just a matter of time before I have the experience to go with the skills. This is definitely a good thing, but if I want to stay here on this path I have to put up with working for a company that as a corporate body doesn't particularly value the work my group does or at least respect the complexity to it, which translates to a lot of pushback from HR on things like salary, benefits, etc. I just found out that I'm a level lower than I thought I was when I started the job, which means less compensation all the way around for me. My bosses weren't even aware of this so I probably can't get promoted till summer at the soonest and even more likely till this time next year. That is balls, my friends. Just balls. I interviewed at a really hip consulting firm and they told me they're interested in hiring me but they don't know what for just yet. So I wait and I see.

Dating is something I've never been able to enjoy doing, most likely because until recently I've never been able to do it successfully. Somehow that has changed in recent months. Girls are a lot more interested in eating free dinner with me than they used to be, I suppose. I've also embraced the idea of online dating, because it's really not that bad or weird. I met a girl who I totally feel head over heels for. Unfortunately, I fell head over heels about a week too late and she had given up on the idea of dating me. This has created a lot of tension for me, for her, and for us. Dated a couple handfuls of other girls after it all fell apart and none of them are doing it for me. I'm starting to get away from it a little though, so maybe this is looking up. I don't know.

I got fired from my main musical project. It was a bullshit move, a change for the sake of making a change, and I was the one who got the short end of the stick because I wasn't there when the other three were having the conversation. Fortunately, I'm supposed to be getting a regular sub spot in a well-established working 10-piece soul/funk band.

So yeah, that's basically it. I'll probably edit or delete this pretty soon, because I don't like list-type summaries of my life here or anywhere else, but it's nice to get it out on pixels for now.

Hyperbass

2008-03-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

Decisions are not easy for me. Big ones, small ones, pretty much anything in between - when I'm faced with these decisions, I tend to freeze like a deer lanced by the xenon swords of a Range Rover speeding toward it.

I get the feeling that this is probably not a good thing.

Anyway. I've finally agreed with my paranoid subconscious that it would be okay to settle into a semi-serious relationship should a good opportunity arise. Of course, it took such an opportunity and a soft ultimatum to get me there, but I got there. Unfortunately, I finally came to that decision after spending the better part of a month alternating between fretting about it and completely ignoring it, sometimes both within the span of five minutes, and she gave up about twelve hours before I finally made up my mind. I never said I'm not at least a little crazy. Oh well. But anyway, who cares? A big decision was made, so this problem is solved, no?

No, of course it isn't. This would be a much shorter post if it was. A week or two ago a former coworker sent me an email telling me it was "time" and that I should get my résumé ready. Knowing what I know about referral bonuses in the modern corporate environment, I was more or less content to laugh it off and tell him to try someone else, but as it turns out he had actually spoken with people in his company and they decided they wanted to talk to me, so the next email I got was from a representative from their HR department. So, I decided I'd talk to them, partly out of curiosity about the job, partly because I couldn't see a good reason NOT to, and partly because there were a few things I was not wild about at my current job and salary reviews were just around the corner. The contact turned into a phone interview with HR, which turned into a phone interview (of course conducted while I was commuting to work, because I take life SO seriously) with the practice area lead. These led to in-person interviews, which were conducted this morning.

I'll spare anyone reading this (as well as myself since I'm writing it) the gory details, but I can say that there is an abnormal amount of whiteboard space in their office and they made me do math right in front of them, which was certainly not a scenario I ever envisioned even in my wildest of algebra class daydreams.

Ultimately what this all means is that within the next two days a decision will be made about whether or not to extend me an offer, and if they do I'm right back to having to make another big decision. I get the feeling that I did pretty poorly last time this happened and I ended up getting burned, and really getting the worst of both worlds; I'm okay with dating the girl and she doesn't want to date me now. I can't see how I'd spin that as a win, although it's certainly not some sort of epic loss. Either way, that's what I'm looking at again with this decision. I can't lose with a good job and salary negotiations right around the corner. It's not like they're going to pay me less money. However, this could be a great opportunity facing me and I might really botch it, possibly even ruffling some feathers in my current organization as well. I would hate to see that happen.

Needless to say, I'm really looking forward to April. For one, this decision, if I have to make one, will be behind me and I'll either be refocusing my career path at my current job or packing up my personal stuff and moving it to a new office by my birthday. And who knows, maybe turning 25 will also magically make me better at making decisions. Or maybe just less prone to making stupid wishes that involve magic intervention and perfect alignment of lifespan and the Gregorian calendar. I'm not going to hold my breath for either, though.

Watermollusk

2008-02-17T16:40:00.000-08:00

Dear lord am I ever in trouble. I don't even know where to begin.

Have you ever had the feeling that you were the only person in the universe who really counts? Because, at least within my own head, that's kind of how I've been feeling the last couple years. I open up pretty quickly to people, but there are some pretty impenetrable barriers under the surface. And the result is that I'm all alone in my own head, and sometimes that isn't the greatest feeling.

Thunderferret

2008-01-17T18:12:00.000-08:00

Clearly I have my browser add-on back intact. We really have a lot to be thankful for, don't we? Okay. Moving along. Speaking of resolutions, I also thought it might be a good idea to make one that could actually benefit my day-to-day life in a more palpable way. Now that this is going to be written down I'm going to have to be a lot more careful about abandoning it, because if I go back here and read about this in six months, I'm going to feel kind of bad about letting go. However, because of the nature of my resolution, I shall temper my explanation of it. I've been told I can be negative. I kind of knew that. Sarcastic, negative, hater-ish, whatever. I've heard these terms, and I don't even totally disagree with them, although it's certainly not the whole picture. After getting some clarification from a friend, I decided that I just need to be a little less bitey and sardonic with new people. It was suggested that it was a defense mechanism and not the 'real me.' Fair enough. I'll allow some of that.

***

Okay. Editor's note. Nearly a month has elapsed since I started this post. It's been hanging in draft-land. However, I just thought of something else I needed to add to my list of resolutions. It seems kind of silly to wait till the middle of February to post stuff about New Year's resolutions, but it's better than complaining about Valentine's Day, right? Anyway, this next resolution, this next little promise to myself, is the result of having spent this entire week in Chicago doing some professional training that taught me something that goes far beyond what I do in a cubicle every day. So here's my new twofold plan:

Part 1: Don't overestimate own ability so much. This is something I've always tried to be mindful of, but I keep thinking of (recent) times when I thought I knew what I was talking about and actually had no idea.

Part 2: Don't underestimate own ability so much. This was the surprise. I've spent a lot of time thinking about #1 in my lifetime. And as a result I overcompensate. Well. I charge myself to remember that I work hard and I learn fast. Sometimes I do get to be the expert.

Life adjustments, tiny little tweaks like this, they're everywhere in my personal sphere. They make for small improvements, but small as they may be, they are noticeable.

Sighs. No Firesomething On This Box Yet.

2008-01-15T21:43:00.000-08:00

I can tell I'm going to have a hard time getting to sleep tonight. Tomorrow I have my Q3/Q4 performance review. At the end of the day, no less. Why am I concerned about this? Technically, I'm not. I've actually probably exceeded expectations in just about every way (don't worry, I think they were pretty low to begin with. I didn't list 'managing expectations' in my 'things I'm really good at' section on OKCupid for no reason). I've done good work, I'm still doing good work, and I've really pushed for making the project I'm working on right now happen. Obviously it wasn't all me, but I did play a pretty key role in landing this project, and it's worth a lot of money to the company. So, these are all good things. But... there's still always that nagging, lingering fear that I'm going to be fired or at least told that if my work doesn't improve in the next month or two I can count on being unemployed. I cannot explain the source of this irrational fear. It makes absolutely NO sense.

ANYWAY. There have to be better things to write about. In fact, I know there are. I have a lot of thoughts! I think all the time! Why is nothing getting recorded? I keep making resolutions. Not in May this time around, fortunately. But is there a limit? I'm already "trying" to get to work earlier and keep up my timesheet and spend less money on stuff I don't need, especially fast food. I suppose there's still plenty of room left for playing more trumpet, learning new things on the guitar, and of course writing the occasional blog post here.

I'm rearranging. That's a start. Perhaps tomorrow I can write about that. Tonight, however, I need to try that sleeping thing. Heavy emphasis on TRY because I highly doubt I'm going to be successful for the first few hours.

Hypnoostrich

2007-07-19T21:10:00.000-07:00

Powerllama

2007-07-12T20:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think we all tend to live in the moment a bit more than we should. I caught myself doing this today. After reading it all over the place in the news this week, I've learned that al Qaeda is planning a 'Terror Spectacular' for us. I've learned that they've managed to build up their strength to pre-9/11 levels, and we're now at an elevated level of alert for terrorist attacks. I've learned that no matter who's in charge, Iraq is still going to have to get much worse before it starts getting better. I've learned that terrorism is ineffective, but nobody realizes this; not the US government, not the terrorists, and not the countless innocent civilians who will be the most likely victims should another attack occur. And after thinking about this, weighing in the fact that I have to board a plane tomorrow afternoon - Friday the 13th - and fly into JFK International Airport to spend the better part of a week in New York City, I'm slightly uneasy -- but not for obvious reasons.

See, we've all been operating in the "if, not when" mindset. IF we get attacked again, how and where will it happen? IF we get attacked again, how will we react, and what will that accomplish? Well, unfortunately, in the modern world in which we live, terrorism is a fact of life. It's going to happen again, somewhere. Am I likely to die tomorrow? Not really. I'll wait in some ridiculously long lines I'm sure, and maybe I'll get strip searched, but I'm most likely going to wake up Saturday morning in NYC. Still, there is going to come a day just as horrific as September 11, 2001. And nobody knows how that's going to play out, but it doesn't matter. Having only lived through one such tragedy as an adult with the cognitive ability to fully understand such a complicated web of circumstances and reactions, it almost seems like a blip on the radar. Regretfully, it's not, and though I probably won't ever be a victim of such an attack, we live in a time where everyone can be a bystander, lined up as close to the action as they would like to be.

And so I guess this is the day I truly realized the inevitability of massive tragedy for the first time.

Lightningswan

2007-06-27T21:39:00.001-07:00

I don't know if it's laziness. Maybe it's just a lack of discipline. Maybe I'm just too tired, or maybe I'm just working too hard. One way or the other, though, I'm falling so behind on everything at home. Normally the fallback excuse is something along the lines of "I'm too busy to do that now." Unfortunately, I've had the last three (3!) nights off and I haven't done anything but play video games, watch half a season of Scrubs, and generally waste time. Sometimes this sort of thing makes me (honestly) wonder if there's something wrong with me.

Hyperadder

2007-06-24T22:16:00.001-07:00

I think now is a good time to continue with the same thought I was ruminating on in the last post. I don't really care that much about dating, really. I came to a conclusion just now that I have less balance in my life now than I ever have, even though I've been pretty insistent (mostly to myself) that I do. All I want right now is more of everything; more music to play, more money to spend, more people around, more time to enjoy everything, and so on. There's a part of me that wonders why, considering the fact that as it is I'm feeling like there's less time than ever to make everything happen. How would I fit any more in? I guess that brings me to the next point, and it's really the last thought I have for the night: What is it that I am doing, and why is it making me so frustrated and so unsatisfied?

"I guess I have a lot of pondering to do."
-Derek Zoolander, ca 2001 / Me, ca 2007

Seamule

2007-06-09T18:57:00.001-07:00

Since the last post was originally started, about two weeks ago, I've gone to the first of the Good Male Friend Weddings of 2007. Dave's will be the second. And another bachelor party yesterday for Jason, whose will be the third, completing the trifecta. These weddings are having a profoundly negative effect on my checking account balance. Anyway, that's not really the point of tonight's post. Tonight's post is about something completely different.

Pleased To Meet You

Since tonight was such a perfect night, I decided I'd take a walk outside. It was a good idea. I drove into Uptown Minneapolis, parked the car, and started moving north up Hennepin Avenue. Having gone most of the day without eating, I decided a quick casual dinner was probably in order, so I ended up at Chipotle and grabbed a burrito, which I sat outside to eat. While I was sitting there, a couple of girls came and sat down at a table about 20 feet from mine, and I noticed that the one facing me was a particularly striking young lady, and that sent my mind spinning on a tangent.

I've noticed that I can go Uptown (or just about anywhere else) just about any night of the week and I'll probably see at least one attractive woman who is probably the very type of girl I'd date. Unfortunately, I've also noticed that over the last couple of years, I've actually met fewer and fewer of these women, and that's probably starting to taint the way I look at things. It seems that now when I see someone who looks really nice, I find myself wanting her to come up to me and start a conversation. Like that's ever going to happen. And I also find myself wanting her to be the one perfect person who keeps me from ever getting preoccupied about this sort of thing again, something that would be a lot less likely if things worked out. Unfortunately, I'll never be more aggressive about dating or talking to strangers and I don't want to lower my standards either, but I'm not likely to meet that type of woman at a bar while I'm out playing, so that doesn't leave me with a ton of options should I ever find myself really wanting a date.

Sometimes I wonder why I even complain about this sort of thing, given the fact that I don't really have time to date anyone in the first place. And it all seems even sillier considering how I have a lot of ideas of different things I'd do with someone in a dating situation, but most of them revolve around sitting around somewhere, talking. These days I'm starting to think the less I talk, the better I'll do. I'm losing a little faith in my ability to interest people, although I've seen evidence go both ways on that one now.

Perhaps I should just stop thinking about it and see what happens. Admittedly, there will be a Missed Connection going up on Craigslist. This isn't my MO, but how often do I spot an attractive woman in Uptown who I'd like to meet? Isn't that what all of these posts are? I sure think so.

Powercrocodile

2007-05-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

Here's To Turning Over A New Leaf
What feels worse than turning a life corner unexpectedly? Not much, if you ask me. Late teens and early twenties tend to be a bit turbulent when it comes to life definition. Every year, the situation must be re-evaluated, and usually every year it's quite different than the one preceding. However, I turned 24 this year. I have decided this means I'm categorically in my mid-twenties. It's not supposed to continue to churn like this. Unfortunately, I can't be that naive, because we all know life doesn't stop changing after 23, and come to think of it, it's a much longer period on the horizon but it's also probably far more unlike anything before it. Last year was the year of the college graduation, and the "real" job. This is the year of the wedding and the first promotion. Next year might be the year of the baby and perhaps the second "real" job. Of course, unless it's career-related, it probably won't apply to me any time soon. But that doesn't slow down anyone else I know, and thus I've found myself the recipient of an inordinate number of wedding invitations.

The Bachelor Party

Dave is getting married. Dave graduated college on time (that is, one year earlier than I did, although we're the same age), but did not have the greatest of luck in finding a first job. He went back to our hometown and got some temporary work at a prominent retail electronics store while his girlfriend worked on finishing her last year of college back at the school where they met. One weekend, Dave decided to come visit me. One night, after some pretty superlative drinking, Dave told me he was thinking about proposing to Nicole, his girlfriend. I immediately threatened to punch him. Needless to say, Dave eventually proposed anyway, and I did not punch him, and now Dave is getting married.

Dave's bachelor party was this weekend. I'm not going to go into details, because that's not the point of this story, but I drove all the way back the six or seven hours to my hometown for it. As I got on the road, I realized I was only going to be gone for a total of two and a half, maybe three days. It felt like it was going to be at least two weeks, and it felt like I was leaving a lot of unresolved messes behind. Truth be told, I was. Not much that I can think of surpasses the feeling of knowing you have the next six hours to yourself in a car, with a loaded iPod and infinite night-time.

Long story short, I felt like I was in a movie about having some really profound experience returning to a place I once called home, and all that really happened was I drove for a very, very long time by myself. It wasn't bad, it wasn't some particularly trenchant or even interesting experience, but there was a lot to write about and then I left this post unfinished in draft form and would now like to write about something else instead. Sorry.

Phase II

2007-04-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

Phase II might never end. And it might never have started. It can be very difficult to tell sometimes, but I know this much: after moving into the place, I needed to take a little time setting up shop and making this truly my home. I've done a good job of it, and Bryant Avenue espouses all that I love about Minneapolis, because it's close to the geographical fixtures that make the city what it is, and because it's the street that, when I turn onto it, feels like coming down the street on which I grew up, except that I'm having this peculiarly prescient awareness of a feeling of home that technically doesn't exist yet. I've only been at this address for a couple of months, so it can't be that familiar yet.

At any rate, Phase II was the cleansing phase. It was settling into my life without anyone else there to define it. It was hibernation. It was bliss. That's really all I need to say about that. And that actually allows me a pretty good point to take this story wherever I feel like taking it, and I suppose accordingly, the only logical place to take it is onward, so off we go.

***

We're just going to ignore the fact that I haven't put any new paint on this canvas for an unreasonably long time. I'm busy, and that's pretty much always a given, but how long does it really take to stop for a moment and gather one's sanity? Not so long that it should be omitted from the routine. Then again, by the same logic, we'd all be eating and sleeping regularly, too, but I most certainly don't do that either. At any rate, I get this odd feeling that I've already said this here, but I choose to make my New Year's resolutions at peculiar times of the year, like for example, the end of May. And right now I resolve to use this space for something a little more constructive than I have in the past. This means two things: one, more frequent posting. If I can, I might renege on that one. But two, I need to use this as more than means for ruminating my thoughts on being lonely or sad or I guess anything else that Chris Carrabba would write about. My life isn't perfect, as nobody's is, but I really can't complain either.

To usher in the new era, it's time for a new post-naming convention. I have a plugin on my browser called Firesomething that changes the word "Firefox" on the title bar of the application window to something else, randomly compounding two unrelated words.

They Say History Repeats Itself

2007-03-07T20:59:00.000-08:00

After another long chapter break, or intermission, or maybe just downright loss of interest, I find myself back here again, at the middle of my story. And back at the beginning, somewhere that I never really left in the first place. It's very much like a merry-go-round. The more momentum I get going in one direction, the faster I find myself back where I started. And it just goes; around, and around, and around. So here I am, at the middle of the story, having taken the opportunity other night to look back a bit and see just where exactly it was I was coming from anyway. There's a part of me that is really thankful they didn't design cars to emulate life, because while we'd be spending our time looking out the back window trying to watch the sun set or figure out who it was that just drove past us in the other direction, we'd be crashing into things left and right. Come to think of it, that is not an analogy I have ever pondered before, but I feel like it's actually quite appropriate. My life is like a car with no windshield. What nobody told me, though, is that it's a slot car, and it's driving on a circular track. See also: merry-go-round. See also: algorithm. See also: continuum.

So, I took some time to peek through this metaphorical back window and revisit a few snapshots of the last year or so. I suppose I completely forget I'm telling this story sometimes, for months at a time (and the last six months were no exception), only to return to find that everything is different now, even though nothing has really changed.

***

Burnsville, Minnesota, is the quintessential suburb. If you live there, chances are you are probably one of three people: 1) a high-school mallrat; 2) a soccer mom or a hockey dad; or 3) somewhere in between without enough good sense to get out. Burnsville was purgatory. Being an upwardly mobile twenty-something in the middle of this wasteland made me feel like I was the only person on earth who still had a pulse. Luckily, I figured I would only have to stay until I could afford to move into my own place elsewhere. Unluckily, I found out pretty quickly that doing so wasn't something I would really be able to unless it was to another suburb just as desolate. At that point, I figured I would just melt into my surroundings until I became a part of the background much like an ice cube in a bucket of hot water. Perhaps I could fake it, and perhaps I could just learn to enjoy a trip to the mall or a chat with the neighbor about sports or their kids' athletic achievements. Perhaps it could be zen after all?

I spent a little over five months in Burnsville, Minnesota. During that period of time, I had to be Suburban. I had to think Suburban, I had to commute Suburban, I had to eat Suburban, I had to sleep Suburban, and I had to brush my teeth Suburban. I lived on a Suburban street in a Suburban neighborhood, and... well, I think I've sufficiently made my point. I couldn't pretend that it was in no way enriching, because being that isolated from the true human condition leaves you feeling pretty isolated from your own thoughts, and that starts a chain reaction of conscious redefinition of the self. Don't get me wrong - I was always the same guy. I still liked to gorge myself on ice cream even though I'm lactose intolerant. I continued to take my daily shower at night. I still had a lot of words to say. I complained a lot, but I found some distractions to allow my mind to wander back to its usual playgrounds every so often, and that was pleasant. Still, at the end of every day I went to bed alone. And by alone, I don't mean that I was the only person in my bed, but really that I was the only person in the universe.

***

So here we are, and we've come full circle. I'm a creature of eternal habits, so I suppose it should be unsurprising that one of my usual revelations (which, by the way, miraculously never feels any less significant, although I have it ALL the time) came back to me and hit me on the forehead. I made the mistake of writing a song with some pretty definite thoughts on being alone, and I feel like I have to hold myself to it, even though I highly suspect that at the time I wrote it, I was plagiarizing the the emotion. And that's fine, I bet 99% of all songs have disingenuous lyrics in them somewhere. But here was my anthem all the same: "I'm not lonely, I'm just alone." Truth be told, there's no such thing as either. Thing is, you don't have to be alone to be lonely, and when that happens, it is generally a much bigger issue. Sadly, that's where the last few months have found me. I used to get this feeling when I was with my ex-girlfriend, and I made the mistake of telling her so one night when I was particularly dissatisfied with our relationship. She probably lost her faith in everything I said from that point onward right then and there, because every time she laid down next to me, she figured I was right alongside her, when in reality I might as well have been on the far side of Jupiter's fourth moon. To make matters worse, the last few months, I only felt the pangs of loneliness while I was around other people.

Realizing you're getting lonely in the presence of your closest friends truly obviates a couple things for you. One, they're obviously not that close. Two, you really need to shake things up. At least, this was the conclusion I came to, so I set about to implement my plan in a two of phases. The first phase was a cleansing phase. I figured I'd just do my own thing, which was playing as much music as possible (though that's proven to be ineffective at just about everything except prolonging the time period before I solve my problems). Unfortunately, I ran out of gigs and I just couldn't manage to light a single spark. I think this was a blessing in disguise, however, because it afforded me the unique opportunity to get back in touch with myself a little, and I decided to buy a condo, which allowed me to move back into the city of Minneapolis, even though living in a building with other people wasn't really what I wanted to do. So I left my temporary landing pad in Burnsville, and here I am. In my new robot home. Again. And -- and I'm being totally honest here -- I'm finally starting to feel like I'm home.

... to be continued (The Second Phase) ...

sussurus

2006-08-12T17:27:00.000-07:00

i know i've sort of neglected writing anything down for a while, but i've just been so busy trying to keep myself busy, it's been kind of difficult. i've started to notice that this is the time of year i usually find myself more or less alone, trying to start over. it's an odd tradition, but my life is riddled with them, so it doesn't really faze me. all i wanted to do all summer was move, but now that the time is upon me to do just that, it's getting a little tough. it means being a little more proactive and packing up my stuff, which is a little annoying. i can barely get my laundry done in a timely fashion. i'm flashing back to last time, though. i had just started seeing a girl named claire. of all the people i've ever been involved with, claire was the one in whom i was the least interested. i just felt like flexing my manipulation muscles and seeing what i was even capable of doing. having been out of the dating world for a really long time and then suddenly finding myself back in it doing horribly, meeting the girl before claire was a relief - until she disappeared three days later, ultimately causing me to think i really sucked at girls. fortunately, i never really liked claire that much and she didn't really like me that much either, so it was a nice little collision. it didn't really last much longer than a week, as well.

this year i'm a little more mature than i was last year. i don't need to prove anything to anyone else, much less my own self. i'm sure i'm just fine. claire was the last person i found myself actually involved with, unless you count the last girl i went out with a few times who moved to hawaii shortly after i met her. i don't. at the rate i'm going, by the time i'm 30, i'll be lucky if anyone says hi to me. things appear to be on the decline.

i don't really know if i want anything in particular, whether that's to be single or part of a couple again. naturally, everyone i see seems to be in a committed relationship these days, which is mostly annoying because i hate couples in the first place, but sometimes i wonder if i'm jealous because that's what i want. and then i take off and waste a day by myself reading and doing me things and wonder why anyone would ever give up that freedom. sometimes i wish i was a slut. i'd get the best of both worlds. unfortunately, it's not in my nature to be that agressive about what i want, and i don't feel like i'm completely entitled to have whatever it is i want when i want it, regardless of the consequences... so slutting is kind of out.

i guess what really grates on me is the feeling of having no friends. i got a degree in theatre but did not pursue that any further once i graduated, instead getting a job in the real world. and it was a great litmus test. all my theatre friends were actually acting. or something. i've always been all about the partnership of convenience, but this time around it's actually kind of backfiring on me, because everyone i've surrounded myself with for the last few years had just as noncommittal an approach as i have. whoops on me for that.

i can't finish a blog post anymore. i can't freeze ice cream, and i can't remember to turn off the stove. it's a marvel i haven't burnt down this house or at least burnt out half of the refrigerator. guess i'll just quit while i'm ahead (snort).

s l o w d o w n

2006-07-17T21:18:00.000-07:00

i've always been too ambitious for my own good. it's worked out pretty well for me in the past -

i wouldn't have pointed any of this out if there weren't a really good reason for it. it's not something i think about that often. however, there are days like today that really make me wonder. i woke up this morning under the assumption that i was going to skip my english class and just go to school at 10:15 or so. except then i really woke up, and realized that i'm not in college anymore, so i'm not free to skip class. and definitely not the first couple hours of work, either. i bumbled into work, and from the moment that i sat down to the moment i got up to leave nearly 10 hours later, i was bombarded with work. only i didn't leave it there. i packed it up, grabbed the laptop, and brought it home. i've been working for the last 5 hours or so here just to keep myself caught up.

why do i do this?

there is no logical explanation. i have nobody to compete with, unless the other technical specialists where i work count. but what do i have to gain from working more than them? i can't think of much. and this isn't ADD, this is my career. it's what i'll do for years and years, if not my entire life even.

there's that old joke about telling someone stupid to go into a round room and telling them to pee in the corner. i feel like that's a pretty adequate analogy for my life right now. i'm just going in circles now, but i'm already there. in some ways, i feel like i'm on top of a mountain and still trying to climb to the moon. in other ways i feel like a 28-year old man trapped inside a 23-year old's body. and simultaneously, i am wandering in circles, looking for a corner to pee in.

i really hope i sort this out soon. this simply cannot be what my life is going to be like. except that a part of me knows that if i'm not careful, this is exactly what the rest of my life will be like. during college i worked on at least 1 if not 2 or 3 shows at a time, while going to school full time and working 20-30 hours per week. that didn't leave much of a room for having a life, but i even squeezed a little of that in there, too.

i need to slow down, because i'm already there. i could really use a hand. the combination of attention defecit disorder, a mean competitive streak about three miles long, and my entire future to try and wrangle - it's truly a recipe for a lot of things. the ADD keeps me bouncing around from one thing to the next. my resumé is ample proof of that. it's all over the map. then there's the competitive part. this is what makes me somehow believe that i have to be the best at whatever it is that i'm temporarily obsessed with. those two things alone are bad news. it drives me to work very hard at something for a period of time and then completely drop it. the weird part, though, is that that third element isn't really there. my future isn't up for grabs anymore. i know exactly what it looks like. the only variable left is "where exactly will i end up living?" and you know, sooner or later, that one will sort itself out, too, leaving me a fully settled and official adult.

my new robot home, part 1.3

2006-07-08T21:58:00.000-07:00

every so often, i get the sense that i'm turning a major corner in my life. lately, that feeling has been sort of looming. this probably comes as a result of seeing most of my good friendships sort of fade into casual acquaintance. it's not that i take the people around me for granted, because i do not. however, i don't think that someone has to be around you all the time for years to be a good friend. i also think that sometimes, you just need something that you're not getting. it's not a reflection on the friends you're not seeing as regularly as you were before, it's just a shifting of needs. right now i need something i'm not getting from anyone i was around often. i'm a man of constant change, and that's okay with me. i wonder if that makes me a huge liability in a serious relationship. this is something i've actually thought about quite extensively since the demise of my last (and really only) such relationship. officially, we didn't make it 6 whole months. by most people's standards, that's almost negligible. if it weren't for the fact that we were still pretty well involved and nothing in our routine changed for another nine months, i'd say that it was more like a year and three months. still, that's a flash in the pan when you consider the grand scheme of things.

so, clearly, i have no proven track record for commitment. it's not a particularly huge goal of mine to get married; at this point, i feel indifferent about the subject, at least as a component of my future. and naturally, i'm appalled at the idea of being married any time soon. that should really be obvious; i'm only 23. in my world, that's way too young. luckily, i'm in no danger of marrying anyone anytime soon, so i don't really think about it a whole lot. what i do wonder, though, is - if i do end up getting married someday - how long will i be dating my wife before i marry her? and how long will we be married before we're divorced? clearly, even my subconscious worry machine has sardonic undertones.

anyhow, all thoughts of marriage are back-burner thoughts... except for one problem. lately, i've taken an interest in a handful of older women. i can't say the same for many younger ones. the way i see it, i've dated girls who were a few years younger than me up to my age, and they were too immature. i dated a girl who was exactly my age, to the day, and she was fucking crazy. there's only one other subset of the population who remains untested for horribly unfair stereotypes, and that's the older women. the last girl i was involved with, although things didn't really ever evolve into very much since she moved to hawaii two weeks after i met her, was 29 and even divorced. and actually, she was pretty cool. the closest thing i have to an "ex" i would have no issue with seeing again. additionally, this other girl, the one i awkwardly asked out the other night, she's 27. so maybe there's a pattern emerging here.

anyhow, without much i can really do about anything in my life, it was weekend as soon as i left work on friday. there wasn't really any chance for me to escape this weekend, unless i started making up really mundane things to do, so for the most part, i did not. i did get to world market for some framed artwork for my wall, and that was kind of nice, but it still feels a little bit insipid.

my ambition having nowhere else to turn, it seems to have abandoned me. i remember seeing commercials about depression on tv in which they would invariably list a bunch of symptoms and then show a very sad woman crouching down with her head in her hands somewhere in the corner of her kitchen and tell you to call if you're experiencing those symptoms. i cannot recall a single time that i didn't wonder if i was depressed, because my entire life i've been all of those things. eventually, i came to realize that there's a fine line between lazy and being depressed. i'm sure i cross over from one side to the other and back all the time, depending on the situation, but right now i would just say i'm lazy. that's why i had the weekend to accomplish all sorts of noble things, like scheduling a driver's test so i can get a minnesota license and have my car insurance drop in half, or taking the car in to get some service it's telling me it needs, or doing my laundry, or perhaps cleaning out the pantry or the fridge. maybe i could have even cleaned the bathroom. most of these things did not get accomplished, although i did sleep till 1:00 both saturday and sunday and i did watch about 5 episodes of the office and a movie or two.

last night when i went to bed, i knew i had to be at least slightly more productive today than yesterday. i did finally get around to it this afternoon, by way of cleaning up and rearranging my room. it's the closest thing i have to zen in the midst of all this chaos, and so i took pictures to show the disparity between my inner sanctum and the things that surround it.

my new robot home, part 1.2

2006-07-06T22:56:00.000-07:00

as long as we're on the subject of awkward conversations, i have a good story. there seems to be a high level of cohesiveness between these stories, most of that cohesion centered around living situations and moving. this story is no exception.

i had more or less resigned myself to living in burnsville at my friend jason's house. the only real caveat to that particular situation is that it's burnsville. there isn't exactly a ton there that appeals to me, and it's a very long commute to and from work each day. i decided i could swallow those pills, but just in case, i found myself checking the rooms section of craigslist just about every day (i actually still do. of course, now i may actually need to). wonder of wonders, i came across an ad in there that piqued my interest. it was a really nice sounding, affordable place in uptown. the girl who posted the ad sounded pretty nice, and the description of the apartment was favorable, so i copied down the email address and started typing.

the back story to gmail's keyboard shortcuts must date back to the vi text editor, which was developed before people had mice to point and click to move around their text. it essentially works in two modes: command mode and insert/replace mode. it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the difference between those two. one moves the cursor around and deletes stuff and pastes stuff. the other is the mode in which you sit and type. when you finish typing the text you intend to add to a file, you have to hit the escape key to get out of insert/replace mode and back into command mode so you can choose somewhere else to edit text or quit the program. i realize this is boring background, but underneath it all, the vi text editor gives me a warm fuzzy feeling that few other things on earth can rival. for whatever reason, it's the editor of choice in market research, and so i've been using it ever since i began my career in market research 2 years ago. naturally, i was thrilled to find that gmail was using something similar let users navigate through their email without using the mouse. the commands are mostly different, but the idea is the same. here's where this becomes pertinent to the story.

after typing the first half, i accidentally hit escape and started typing vi commands. it's a really bad habit i have that comes from using vi all day at work. unfortunately, since gmail works so similarly, my escape put it in command mode, and before i realized what i had done, i hit the shortcut key for "send." what can i say? i thrive on opportunities to make myself look silly. i realize that sending one email in two pieces is neither conventional nor the end of the world. i wasn't born without a sense of perspective, so i simply wrote a quick explanation and finished the email in a second message and sent it along.

the girl responded to me the next day and we set up a meeting at noon at her place so i could come by and look at it. once i got there, i pulled up to the curb and began the lengthy shutdown procedure of my car. i have to turn off the ipod, shut the windows, close the sunroof, and then turn off the ignition and put on the parking brake. unfortunately, i don't really do this all so automatically, and sometimes i switch the order of things up. i don't like to leave my car in gear when i park it; that's why i have a parking brake. still, i'm in the habit of turning off the car while it's in first gear and the clutch is in. i don't know why i do this, but it happens a lot. anyhow, here i am, pulled up to the curb, ignition on, car in first gear, clutch engaged, and i pull the parking brake. then i pull out my phone and call the number she gave me. as i was pulling up i noticed a girl walking a dog down the sidewalk. by the time i picked up my phone, she was right next to my car. turns out this is jen, the girl i'm going to meet. and she waves at me as soon as the phone starts ringing and asks me if i'm adam. i say yes. and i let go of the clutch and start reaching for the door, though the engine is still running. now the car lurches forward, catches itself on the parking brake, and stalls. you have no idea how cool i looked.

so there's strike two. keep in mind i'm not usually that bad, but at this point, this girl has only three things from which she can make her impression of me - the email, the phone call, and me pulling up. i botched two of those already. fortunately, the rest of the showing is uneventful, at least in that i don't do anything klutzy or stupid again.

after leaving, i started thinking about the apartment and the girl and whether or not it's something i would actually want to do if she decides on me as her ideal roommate. and my decision, initially, was that it would be totally awesome. upon further consideration, i realized that i only thought it would be a good idea because i found this girl to be rather attractive and really engaging. and that could cause all sorts of problems if i were to move in with her, so regretfully, i had to conclude that it wasn't such a great idea. i figured i'd wait till she got back to me and tell her i was just going to move to burnsville after all.

she finally called me back tonight, telling me she decided not to stay at her apartment and that she found a place in st. paul that was much closer to work. and i brief her on my roommate situation, so it's no big deal because i'm not moving very soon now anyway. and the conversation sounds like it's just about to end.

here's where i need to jump in and point out that it is VERY seldom that i find myself in a completely nothing-to-lose situation. this was one of those very few times. and i knew this all week, as i was more or less expecting this call and trying to think of exactly how i could explain this to her. i decided the blunt approach was best.

i'm not so good on the phone tonight. i mean, i was, up until the point at which she sounds like she's wishing me luck and telling me to have a nice life. so i interject, "yeah, there was another thing." i quickly tell her that i thought she was really attractive and decided then that i wasn't going to live there, and that i'd rather just ask her out. except, because this is something i don't do very often, i'm NOT very smooth. she bursts out laughing. not a good sign. but then she exclaims, "that is so sweet!" and continues laughing.

i'll spare the details of the rest of the story, save for the fact that we're going to meet up some sunday (soon) at famous dave's, where i play every week and she used to eat and listen to the music pretty frequently. in baseball terms, it wasn't exactly a grand slam. or even a home run. but it was at least a single, maybe even a double. and probably due to an outfielder error, but hey. the end justifies the means. i told her she's got my number, and awkwardly hung up the phone.

all in a day's work.

my new robot home, part 1.1

2006-07-05T19:32:00.000-07:00

the idea of buying a house, to me, is a daunting one. i'm more of an impulse shopper. the following important life decisions were made on impulse, in no particular order:

where to go to college
what to major in
changing my major
choosing theatre arts as the alternate major
sending my resumé to the firm at which i work
living on campus my sophomore year at last minute
living at argyle house with ex-best friend my senior year
deciding not to live with said ex-best friend
breaking up with The Ex
deciding to live on the far end of town with no car
deciding to move to the current apartment in which i reside the following year
buying a car
deciding to move out early and move in with my friend jason in burnsville...

okay, that list could keep going. note the patterns, though; for one, i change my mind often. and impulsively. this is decidedly bad. second, a lot of these impulse decisions involve living arrangements. when house shopping, i'm going to have to go easy on that trigger finger before i sign something i really shouldn't. in addition to being impulsive, i'm slightly hermit-like. i prefer to do my major shopping on the internet. it's certainly not perfect for everything, but it sure as hell keeps those pesky salespeople away. they can send me email till their fingers fall off; i filter, and i filter wisely. life is too short for reading unsolicited or impertinent email. i don't really even like being approached by strangers, even if they're attractive strangers of the opposite sex. i generally always suspect an ulterior motive. bible thumpers, hobos, and political canvassers pull rudeness out of me i didn't know i even had. i don't enjoy eating out at restaurants where a peppy server insists on visiting the table for anything beyond getting my order or bringing me the food or the bill. and don't even get me started on the "can i help you find anything?" salespeople. call me ornery if you must. i don't really care; it's just not my bag.

that said, internet shopping really might be the greatest gift technology has bestowed upon me. it's a pretty anonymous method of doing my research. unfortunately, it's kind of hard to get a feel for the true majesty of a home when all you have is a pixillated 2" x 3" picture of the living room. this means that in order to find the place i want to buy, i'm going to have to deal with some of the pushiest salespeople: realtors.

maybe i can just keep renting until i inherit someone else's house.

***

yesterday was a monumental day for me. it was the fourth of july. historically, that's the day america gained its independence. and historically, it's one of my favorite holidays. something about the fourth of july always makes me feel good, even though i used to spend the majority of my independence days marching in parades in a silly heavy wool marching band uniform. i'm not the kind of person who would describe himself as particularly patriotic, but the timing of the fourth of july pretty much always agrees with me. for some people, it's a great excuse to begin drinking at 10 in the morning, and for other people, parades are just rockin. for me, it's just good timing. it's a day off of work, and it's a day that largely has no purpose, at least until sunset when fireworks begin. most people don't do much on the fourth of july, and i am no exception. this is why yesterday was so monumental.

as i might have mentioned, i've spent a lot of my free time (and by a lot i pretty much mean all of it) avoiding my apartment. that has been cause for some considerable discord within my sanity, but it's no better than going home and being so uncomfortable that i pace around my room for hours. so you see, lately, it's been kind of a no-win situation for me. yesterday was different, sort of. i got up and, as usual, felt as if i needed to be somewhere else doing something, so i jumped in the car, topped off my tank, and washed off my windshield. 80 miles per hour plus six hours' worth of bugs equals much more damage than my pathetic wipers can deal with, and there were actually so many bugs on there that my car smelled of old dead trout. NOT appealing in any way. anyhow, after that little pit stop, i headed in the direction of uptown so i could begin the neighborhood scoping and the grabbing of flyers. it's not the internet, but at least i can still avoid salespeople this way. after an hour or so of doing that, i had nothing and i was bored. note to self: house shopping isn't really going to be that fun.

i returned home. and i stayed there. for hours. as a matter of fact, i stayed at home yesterday until i left again for the fireworks at about 8:30. that's probably the most time i've allowed myself to live here without being asleep or having company over. it wasn't any more comfortable, though, and i certainly felt good about leaving when i left, but perhaps it's a start. i'm going to have to learn a little tolerance if i need to last another month and a half.

there's something else i should explain about myself. I DO NOT CALL PEOPLE. nobody on earth hates the phone as much as i do. there are some caveats to this rule, of course; if i told someone i was going to call at eight, i wouldn't give it a second thought. however, if someone leaves me a voicemail, i don't ever feel incredibly compelled to return it. and i certainly don't call people out of the blue. add to that the fact that most people who might have called me weren't even aware that i was in town, and you've got the perfect recipe for a boring evening. what can i say? making plans, it's not my forte. or even my mezzo-piano.

i figured that i know enough people in minneapolis by now that i can pretty much go just about anywhere and i'll see someone i know. this almost invariably never fails me. grocery shopping, target, spyhouse, theatres, restaurants, random street corners, and just about any other place i would ever want to go are always at least populated by one person i know. sometimes many. there really isn't much else to do on a fourth of july besides watching fireworks, and pretty much everyone in town goes to the stone arch bridge to do so. it wasn't going to be that hard to find someone i knew and tag along, right?

ha. right, yes. there are a lot of people who i have come into contact with at some point or another since i moved here who i do not know well enough to have a casual conversation but am nevertheless familiar with enough to say hello or at least wave. and ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE ON THE BRIDGE. i should add that nobody who i actually knew was anywhere to be found for the first couple runs i did back and forth. i found myself fabricating the most ridiculous scenarios to get out of the awkward conversations in which i kept finding myself. "yes, you see, i have friends who i was going to meet on the other side of the bridge, but none of them appear to be answering their cell phones. it's quite possible that they were overrun by a herd of mastodons, or that perhaps they no longer wish to be my friend. however, i must find them before 9:12 to ascertain this or we might have a serious problem, so i must continue on. nice to see you, my friend. perhaps i'll give you a call sometime." yeah, right. i even faked receiving a phone call to get out of one conversation.

my new robot home, part 1.0

2006-07-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

home is an important things, isn't it? i need one.

i've written here many times before, but i decided it was a better idea to start over fresh. actually, i'm going to start at the middle of the story, and not at the beginning.

***

so there i was, driving. and driving. and driving. this was the third time i've made this trip in the last month. sometimes i think it would be a little easier to live closer to my parents, but for all the hassle of buying a few tankfuls of gas and putting another weekend's plans off by a week, i still do enjoy a good, long, late-night road trip. there are three places that i think best: the shower, church, and driving alone late at night. i guess that's where my mind really begins to wander uninhibited.

anyhow, there i was, driving. and driving. and driving. it was the third of july (yesterday, if you're reading this today). the whole way back, i would sporadically see fireworks shooting off on either side of me, and you know what's frustrating? these fireworks were ostensibly shooting into the air to commemorate independence day, and here i am, driving 80mph in the wrong direction, leaving independence far behind me. it's kind of like an ex-con voluntarily returning to his cell, as fast as he humanly can, yet that's exactly what i'm doing. on this particular night, i was mulling over what exactly it is that i want when i return back to my home in minneapolis. because of some unfortunate and uncontrollable circumstances, the source of a good deal of my personal unrest comes from the fact that i live where i live and i cannot leave until the end of august.

so. so much for independence. i'm back in minneapolis, i'm back in my room, and i'm literally twitching. i need an excuse to leave, and i ran out of those weeks ago. there's only so much grocery shopping a man can do. and then there's only so much i could buy at target or ikea or pottery barn or pier 1 or any place like that. and i really never needed to go to home depot in the first place. retail therapy is no longer doing the magic it used to do for me. plus, the baristas at spyhouse are probably wondering why i can't do something more interesting with the rest of my nights, and why i keep ordering their ginger ale. i guess that part will have to remain a mystery.

since i've really run out of excuses to go somewhere, i decided to look for a place for the next time i move (this is what i usually do so i know where i will move when i leave my current residence, but i had to improvise a little since that part was more or less figured out already). there's kind of a peculiar difference this time, though. while i was at my parents' house this weekend, the topic of home ownership came up. i used to laugh at that, because i got a degree in theatre. most of the last few years, i would have considered being able to afford living in an apartment without a roommate to be a paramount financial achievement. things didn't work out as planned, though, and it turns out i do have enough dispensable income to spend the next few months saving for a home and then buying one by next year or so. this is partially electrifying and partially depressing. on one hand, i can't wait to move into a house and make it my home. perhaps i could evade my yearly june-induced emo spell by having a home in which i feel at home. and perhaps i'll find that i need to buy a new roof. it's always 50-50.

***

i'll continue this next time, because i'm immeasurably sick of sitting in this chair. getting away from the computer is probably my first step on the road to happiness.