Sighs. No Firesomething On This Box Yet.

I can tell I'm going to have a hard time getting to sleep tonight. Tomorrow I have my Q3/Q4 performance review. At the end of the day, no less. Why am I concerned about this? Technically, I'm not. I've actually probably exceeded expectations in just about every way (don't worry, I think they were pretty low to begin with. I didn't list 'managing expectations' in my 'things I'm really good at' section on OKCupid for no reason). I've done good work, I'm still doing good work, and I've really pushed for making the project I'm working on right now happen. Obviously it wasn't all me, but I did play a pretty key role in landing this project, and it's worth a lot of money to the company. So, these are all good things. But... there's still always that nagging, lingering fear that I'm going to be fired or at least told that if my work doesn't improve in the next month or two I can count on being unemployed. I cannot explain the source of this irrational fear. It makes absolutely NO sense.

ANYWAY. There have to be better things to write about. In fact, I know there are. I have a lot of thoughts! I think all the time! Why is nothing getting recorded? I keep making resolutions. Not in May this time around, fortunately. But is there a limit? I'm already "trying" to get to work earlier and keep up my timesheet and spend less money on stuff I don't need, especially fast food. I suppose there's still plenty of room left for playing more trumpet, learning new things on the guitar, and of course writing the occasional blog post here.

I'm rearranging. That's a start. Perhaps tomorrow I can write about that. Tonight, however, I need to try that sleeping thing. Heavy emphasis on TRY because I highly doubt I'm going to be successful for the first few hours.

Hypnoostrich

Powerllama

Sometimes I think we all tend to live in the moment a bit more than we should. I caught myself doing this today. After reading it all over the place in the news this week, I've learned that al Qaeda is planning a 'Terror Spectacular' for us. I've learned that they've managed to build up their strength to pre-9/11 levels, and we're now at an elevated level of alert for terrorist attacks. I've learned that no matter who's in charge, Iraq is still going to have to get much worse before it starts getting better. I've learned that terrorism is ineffective, but nobody realizes this; not the US government, not the terrorists, and not the countless innocent civilians who will be the most likely victims should another attack occur. And after thinking about this, weighing in the fact that I have to board a plane tomorrow afternoon - Friday the 13th - and fly into JFK International Airport to spend the better part of a week in New York City, I'm slightly uneasy -- but not for obvious reasons.

See, we've all been operating in the "if, not when" mindset. IF we get attacked again, how and where will it happen? IF we get attacked again, how will we react, and what will that accomplish? Well, unfortunately, in the modern world in which we live, terrorism is a fact of life. It's going to happen again, somewhere. Am I likely to die tomorrow? Not really. I'll wait in some ridiculously long lines I'm sure, and maybe I'll get strip searched, but I'm most likely going to wake up Saturday morning in NYC. Still, there is going to come a day just as horrific as September 11, 2001. And nobody knows how that's going to play out, but it doesn't matter. Having only lived through one such tragedy as an adult with the cognitive ability to fully understand such a complicated web of circumstances and reactions, it almost seems like a blip on the radar. Regretfully, it's not, and though I probably won't ever be a victim of such an attack, we live in a time where everyone can be a bystander, lined up as close to the action as they would like to be.

And so I guess this is the day I truly realized the inevitability of massive tragedy for the first time.