i've always been too ambitious for my own good. it's worked out pretty well for me in the past -
i wouldn't have pointed any of this out if there weren't a really good reason for it. it's not something i think about that often. however, there are days like today that really make me wonder. i woke up this morning under the assumption that i was going to skip my english class and just go to school at 10:15 or so. except then i really woke up, and realized that i'm not in college anymore, so i'm not free to skip class. and definitely not the first couple hours of work, either. i bumbled into work, and from the moment that i sat down to the moment i got up to leave nearly 10 hours later, i was bombarded with work. only i didn't leave it there. i packed it up, grabbed the laptop, and brought it home. i've been working for the last 5 hours or so here just to keep myself caught up.
why do i do this?
there is no logical explanation. i have nobody to compete with, unless the other technical specialists where i work count. but what do i have to gain from working more than them? i can't think of much. and this isn't ADD, this is my career. it's what i'll do for years and years, if not my entire life even.
there's that old joke about telling someone stupid to go into a round room and telling them to pee in the corner. i feel like that's a pretty adequate analogy for my life right now. i'm just going in circles now, but i'm already there. in some ways, i feel like i'm on top of a mountain and still trying to climb to the moon. in other ways i feel like a 28-year old man trapped inside a 23-year old's body. and simultaneously, i am wandering in circles, looking for a corner to pee in.
i really hope i sort this out soon. this simply cannot be what my life is going to be like. except that a part of me knows that if i'm not careful, this is exactly what the rest of my life will be like. during college i worked on at least 1 if not 2 or 3 shows at a time, while going to school full time and working 20-30 hours per week. that didn't leave much of a room for having a life, but i even squeezed a little of that in there, too.
i need to slow down, because i'm already there. i could really use a hand. the combination of attention defecit disorder, a mean competitive streak about three miles long, and my entire future to try and wrangle - it's truly a recipe for a lot of things. the ADD keeps me bouncing around from one thing to the next. my resumé is ample proof of that. it's all over the map. then there's the competitive part. this is what makes me somehow believe that i have to be the best at whatever it is that i'm temporarily obsessed with. those two things alone are bad news. it drives me to work very hard at something for a period of time and then completely drop it. the weird part, though, is that that third element isn't really there. my future isn't up for grabs anymore. i know exactly what it looks like. the only variable left is "where exactly will i end up living?" and you know, sooner or later, that one will sort itself out, too, leaving me a fully settled and official adult.
7.17.2006
7.08.2006
my new robot home, part 1.3
every so often, i get the sense that i'm turning a major corner in my life. lately, that feeling has been sort of looming. this probably comes as a result of seeing most of my good friendships sort of fade into casual acquaintance. it's not that i take the people around me for granted, because i do not. however, i don't think that someone has to be around you all the time for years to be a good friend. i also think that sometimes, you just need something that you're not getting. it's not a reflection on the friends you're not seeing as regularly as you were before, it's just a shifting of needs. right now i need something i'm not getting from anyone i was around often. i'm a man of constant change, and that's okay with me. i wonder if that makes me a huge liability in a serious relationship. this is something i've actually thought about quite extensively since the demise of my last (and really only) such relationship. officially, we didn't make it 6 whole months. by most people's standards, that's almost negligible. if it weren't for the fact that we were still pretty well involved and nothing in our routine changed for another nine months, i'd say that it was more like a year and three months. still, that's a flash in the pan when you consider the grand scheme of things.
so, clearly, i have no proven track record for commitment. it's not a particularly huge goal of mine to get married; at this point, i feel indifferent about the subject, at least as a component of my future. and naturally, i'm appalled at the idea of being married any time soon. that should really be obvious; i'm only 23. in my world, that's way too young. luckily, i'm in no danger of marrying anyone anytime soon, so i don't really think about it a whole lot. what i do wonder, though, is - if i do end up getting married someday - how long will i be dating my wife before i marry her? and how long will we be married before we're divorced? clearly, even my subconscious worry machine has sardonic undertones.
anyhow, all thoughts of marriage are back-burner thoughts... except for one problem. lately, i've taken an interest in a handful of older women. i can't say the same for many younger ones. the way i see it, i've dated girls who were a few years younger than me up to my age, and they were too immature. i dated a girl who was exactly my age, to the day, and she was fucking crazy. there's only one other subset of the population who remains untested for horribly unfair stereotypes, and that's the older women. the last girl i was involved with, although things didn't really ever evolve into very much since she moved to hawaii two weeks after i met her, was 29 and even divorced. and actually, she was pretty cool. the closest thing i have to an "ex" i would have no issue with seeing again. additionally, this other girl, the one i awkwardly asked out the other night, she's 27. so maybe there's a pattern emerging here.
anyhow, without much i can really do about anything in my life, it was weekend as soon as i left work on friday. there wasn't really any chance for me to escape this weekend, unless i started making up really mundane things to do, so for the most part, i did not. i did get to world market for some framed artwork for my wall, and that was kind of nice, but it still feels a little bit insipid.
my ambition having nowhere else to turn, it seems to have abandoned me. i remember seeing commercials about depression on tv in which they would invariably list a bunch of symptoms and then show a very sad woman crouching down with her head in her hands somewhere in the corner of her kitchen and tell you to call if you're experiencing those symptoms. i cannot recall a single time that i didn't wonder if i was depressed, because my entire life i've been all of those things. eventually, i came to realize that there's a fine line between lazy and being depressed. i'm sure i cross over from one side to the other and back all the time, depending on the situation, but right now i would just say i'm lazy. that's why i had the weekend to accomplish all sorts of noble things, like scheduling a driver's test so i can get a minnesota license and have my car insurance drop in half, or taking the car in to get some service it's telling me it needs, or doing my laundry, or perhaps cleaning out the pantry or the fridge. maybe i could have even cleaned the bathroom. most of these things did not get accomplished, although i did sleep till 1:00 both saturday and sunday and i did watch about 5 episodes of the office and a movie or two.
last night when i went to bed, i knew i had to be at least slightly more productive today than yesterday. i did finally get around to it this afternoon, by way of cleaning up and rearranging my room. it's the closest thing i have to zen in the midst of all this chaos, and so i took pictures to show the disparity between my inner sanctum and the things that surround it.
so, clearly, i have no proven track record for commitment. it's not a particularly huge goal of mine to get married; at this point, i feel indifferent about the subject, at least as a component of my future. and naturally, i'm appalled at the idea of being married any time soon. that should really be obvious; i'm only 23. in my world, that's way too young. luckily, i'm in no danger of marrying anyone anytime soon, so i don't really think about it a whole lot. what i do wonder, though, is - if i do end up getting married someday - how long will i be dating my wife before i marry her? and how long will we be married before we're divorced? clearly, even my subconscious worry machine has sardonic undertones.
anyhow, all thoughts of marriage are back-burner thoughts... except for one problem. lately, i've taken an interest in a handful of older women. i can't say the same for many younger ones. the way i see it, i've dated girls who were a few years younger than me up to my age, and they were too immature. i dated a girl who was exactly my age, to the day, and she was fucking crazy. there's only one other subset of the population who remains untested for horribly unfair stereotypes, and that's the older women. the last girl i was involved with, although things didn't really ever evolve into very much since she moved to hawaii two weeks after i met her, was 29 and even divorced. and actually, she was pretty cool. the closest thing i have to an "ex" i would have no issue with seeing again. additionally, this other girl, the one i awkwardly asked out the other night, she's 27. so maybe there's a pattern emerging here.
anyhow, without much i can really do about anything in my life, it was weekend as soon as i left work on friday. there wasn't really any chance for me to escape this weekend, unless i started making up really mundane things to do, so for the most part, i did not. i did get to world market for some framed artwork for my wall, and that was kind of nice, but it still feels a little bit insipid.
my ambition having nowhere else to turn, it seems to have abandoned me. i remember seeing commercials about depression on tv in which they would invariably list a bunch of symptoms and then show a very sad woman crouching down with her head in her hands somewhere in the corner of her kitchen and tell you to call if you're experiencing those symptoms. i cannot recall a single time that i didn't wonder if i was depressed, because my entire life i've been all of those things. eventually, i came to realize that there's a fine line between lazy and being depressed. i'm sure i cross over from one side to the other and back all the time, depending on the situation, but right now i would just say i'm lazy. that's why i had the weekend to accomplish all sorts of noble things, like scheduling a driver's test so i can get a minnesota license and have my car insurance drop in half, or taking the car in to get some service it's telling me it needs, or doing my laundry, or perhaps cleaning out the pantry or the fridge. maybe i could have even cleaned the bathroom. most of these things did not get accomplished, although i did sleep till 1:00 both saturday and sunday and i did watch about 5 episodes of the office and a movie or two.
last night when i went to bed, i knew i had to be at least slightly more productive today than yesterday. i did finally get around to it this afternoon, by way of cleaning up and rearranging my room. it's the closest thing i have to zen in the midst of all this chaos, and so i took pictures to show the disparity between my inner sanctum and the things that surround it.
7.06.2006
my new robot home, part 1.2
as long as we're on the subject of awkward conversations, i have a good story. there seems to be a high level of cohesiveness between these stories, most of that cohesion centered around living situations and moving. this story is no exception.
i had more or less resigned myself to living in burnsville at my friend jason's house. the only real caveat to that particular situation is that it's burnsville. there isn't exactly a ton there that appeals to me, and it's a very long commute to and from work each day. i decided i could swallow those pills, but just in case, i found myself checking the rooms section of craigslist just about every day (i actually still do. of course, now i may actually need to). wonder of wonders, i came across an ad in there that piqued my interest. it was a really nice sounding, affordable place in uptown. the girl who posted the ad sounded pretty nice, and the description of the apartment was favorable, so i copied down the email address and started typing.
the back story to gmail's keyboard shortcuts must date back to the vi text editor, which was developed before people had mice to point and click to move around their text. it essentially works in two modes: command mode and insert/replace mode. it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the difference between those two. one moves the cursor around and deletes stuff and pastes stuff. the other is the mode in which you sit and type. when you finish typing the text you intend to add to a file, you have to hit the escape key to get out of insert/replace mode and back into command mode so you can choose somewhere else to edit text or quit the program. i realize this is boring background, but underneath it all, the vi text editor gives me a warm fuzzy feeling that few other things on earth can rival. for whatever reason, it's the editor of choice in market research, and so i've been using it ever since i began my career in market research 2 years ago. naturally, i was thrilled to find that gmail was using something similar let users navigate through their email without using the mouse. the commands are mostly different, but the idea is the same. here's where this becomes pertinent to the story.
after typing the first half, i accidentally hit escape and started typing vi commands. it's a really bad habit i have that comes from using vi all day at work. unfortunately, since gmail works so similarly, my escape put it in command mode, and before i realized what i had done, i hit the shortcut key for "send." what can i say? i thrive on opportunities to make myself look silly. i realize that sending one email in two pieces is neither conventional nor the end of the world. i wasn't born without a sense of perspective, so i simply wrote a quick explanation and finished the email in a second message and sent it along.
the girl responded to me the next day and we set up a meeting at noon at her place so i could come by and look at it. once i got there, i pulled up to the curb and began the lengthy shutdown procedure of my car. i have to turn off the ipod, shut the windows, close the sunroof, and then turn off the ignition and put on the parking brake. unfortunately, i don't really do this all so automatically, and sometimes i switch the order of things up. i don't like to leave my car in gear when i park it; that's why i have a parking brake. still, i'm in the habit of turning off the car while it's in first gear and the clutch is in. i don't know why i do this, but it happens a lot. anyhow, here i am, pulled up to the curb, ignition on, car in first gear, clutch engaged, and i pull the parking brake. then i pull out my phone and call the number she gave me. as i was pulling up i noticed a girl walking a dog down the sidewalk. by the time i picked up my phone, she was right next to my car. turns out this is jen, the girl i'm going to meet. and she waves at me as soon as the phone starts ringing and asks me if i'm adam. i say yes. and i let go of the clutch and start reaching for the door, though the engine is still running. now the car lurches forward, catches itself on the parking brake, and stalls. you have no idea how cool i looked.
so there's strike two. keep in mind i'm not usually that bad, but at this point, this girl has only three things from which she can make her impression of me - the email, the phone call, and me pulling up. i botched two of those already. fortunately, the rest of the showing is uneventful, at least in that i don't do anything klutzy or stupid again.
after leaving, i started thinking about the apartment and the girl and whether or not it's something i would actually want to do if she decides on me as her ideal roommate. and my decision, initially, was that it would be totally awesome. upon further consideration, i realized that i only thought it would be a good idea because i found this girl to be rather attractive and really engaging. and that could cause all sorts of problems if i were to move in with her, so regretfully, i had to conclude that it wasn't such a great idea. i figured i'd wait till she got back to me and tell her i was just going to move to burnsville after all.
she finally called me back tonight, telling me she decided not to stay at her apartment and that she found a place in st. paul that was much closer to work. and i brief her on my roommate situation, so it's no big deal because i'm not moving very soon now anyway. and the conversation sounds like it's just about to end.
here's where i need to jump in and point out that it is VERY seldom that i find myself in a completely nothing-to-lose situation. this was one of those very few times. and i knew this all week, as i was more or less expecting this call and trying to think of exactly how i could explain this to her. i decided the blunt approach was best.
i'm not so good on the phone tonight. i mean, i was, up until the point at which she sounds like she's wishing me luck and telling me to have a nice life. so i interject, "yeah, there was another thing." i quickly tell her that i thought she was really attractive and decided then that i wasn't going to live there, and that i'd rather just ask her out. except, because this is something i don't do very often, i'm NOT very smooth. she bursts out laughing. not a good sign. but then she exclaims, "that is so sweet!" and continues laughing.
i'll spare the details of the rest of the story, save for the fact that we're going to meet up some sunday (soon) at famous dave's, where i play every week and she used to eat and listen to the music pretty frequently. in baseball terms, it wasn't exactly a grand slam. or even a home run. but it was at least a single, maybe even a double. and probably due to an outfielder error, but hey. the end justifies the means. i told her she's got my number, and awkwardly hung up the phone.
all in a day's work.
i had more or less resigned myself to living in burnsville at my friend jason's house. the only real caveat to that particular situation is that it's burnsville. there isn't exactly a ton there that appeals to me, and it's a very long commute to and from work each day. i decided i could swallow those pills, but just in case, i found myself checking the rooms section of craigslist just about every day (i actually still do. of course, now i may actually need to). wonder of wonders, i came across an ad in there that piqued my interest. it was a really nice sounding, affordable place in uptown. the girl who posted the ad sounded pretty nice, and the description of the apartment was favorable, so i copied down the email address and started typing.
the back story to gmail's keyboard shortcuts must date back to the vi text editor, which was developed before people had mice to point and click to move around their text. it essentially works in two modes: command mode and insert/replace mode. it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the difference between those two. one moves the cursor around and deletes stuff and pastes stuff. the other is the mode in which you sit and type. when you finish typing the text you intend to add to a file, you have to hit the escape key to get out of insert/replace mode and back into command mode so you can choose somewhere else to edit text or quit the program. i realize this is boring background, but underneath it all, the vi text editor gives me a warm fuzzy feeling that few other things on earth can rival. for whatever reason, it's the editor of choice in market research, and so i've been using it ever since i began my career in market research 2 years ago. naturally, i was thrilled to find that gmail was using something similar let users navigate through their email without using the mouse. the commands are mostly different, but the idea is the same. here's where this becomes pertinent to the story.
after typing the first half, i accidentally hit escape and started typing vi commands. it's a really bad habit i have that comes from using vi all day at work. unfortunately, since gmail works so similarly, my escape put it in command mode, and before i realized what i had done, i hit the shortcut key for "send." what can i say? i thrive on opportunities to make myself look silly. i realize that sending one email in two pieces is neither conventional nor the end of the world. i wasn't born without a sense of perspective, so i simply wrote a quick explanation and finished the email in a second message and sent it along.
the girl responded to me the next day and we set up a meeting at noon at her place so i could come by and look at it. once i got there, i pulled up to the curb and began the lengthy shutdown procedure of my car. i have to turn off the ipod, shut the windows, close the sunroof, and then turn off the ignition and put on the parking brake. unfortunately, i don't really do this all so automatically, and sometimes i switch the order of things up. i don't like to leave my car in gear when i park it; that's why i have a parking brake. still, i'm in the habit of turning off the car while it's in first gear and the clutch is in. i don't know why i do this, but it happens a lot. anyhow, here i am, pulled up to the curb, ignition on, car in first gear, clutch engaged, and i pull the parking brake. then i pull out my phone and call the number she gave me. as i was pulling up i noticed a girl walking a dog down the sidewalk. by the time i picked up my phone, she was right next to my car. turns out this is jen, the girl i'm going to meet. and she waves at me as soon as the phone starts ringing and asks me if i'm adam. i say yes. and i let go of the clutch and start reaching for the door, though the engine is still running. now the car lurches forward, catches itself on the parking brake, and stalls. you have no idea how cool i looked.
so there's strike two. keep in mind i'm not usually that bad, but at this point, this girl has only three things from which she can make her impression of me - the email, the phone call, and me pulling up. i botched two of those already. fortunately, the rest of the showing is uneventful, at least in that i don't do anything klutzy or stupid again.
after leaving, i started thinking about the apartment and the girl and whether or not it's something i would actually want to do if she decides on me as her ideal roommate. and my decision, initially, was that it would be totally awesome. upon further consideration, i realized that i only thought it would be a good idea because i found this girl to be rather attractive and really engaging. and that could cause all sorts of problems if i were to move in with her, so regretfully, i had to conclude that it wasn't such a great idea. i figured i'd wait till she got back to me and tell her i was just going to move to burnsville after all.
she finally called me back tonight, telling me she decided not to stay at her apartment and that she found a place in st. paul that was much closer to work. and i brief her on my roommate situation, so it's no big deal because i'm not moving very soon now anyway. and the conversation sounds like it's just about to end.
here's where i need to jump in and point out that it is VERY seldom that i find myself in a completely nothing-to-lose situation. this was one of those very few times. and i knew this all week, as i was more or less expecting this call and trying to think of exactly how i could explain this to her. i decided the blunt approach was best.
i'm not so good on the phone tonight. i mean, i was, up until the point at which she sounds like she's wishing me luck and telling me to have a nice life. so i interject, "yeah, there was another thing." i quickly tell her that i thought she was really attractive and decided then that i wasn't going to live there, and that i'd rather just ask her out. except, because this is something i don't do very often, i'm NOT very smooth. she bursts out laughing. not a good sign. but then she exclaims, "that is so sweet!" and continues laughing.
i'll spare the details of the rest of the story, save for the fact that we're going to meet up some sunday (soon) at famous dave's, where i play every week and she used to eat and listen to the music pretty frequently. in baseball terms, it wasn't exactly a grand slam. or even a home run. but it was at least a single, maybe even a double. and probably due to an outfielder error, but hey. the end justifies the means. i told her she's got my number, and awkwardly hung up the phone.
all in a day's work.
7.05.2006
my new robot home, part 1.1
the idea of buying a house, to me, is a daunting one. i'm more of an impulse shopper. the following important life decisions were made on impulse, in no particular order:
that said, internet shopping really might be the greatest gift technology has bestowed upon me. it's a pretty anonymous method of doing my research. unfortunately, it's kind of hard to get a feel for the true majesty of a home when all you have is a pixillated 2" x 3" picture of the living room. this means that in order to find the place i want to buy, i'm going to have to deal with some of the pushiest salespeople: realtors.
maybe i can just keep renting until i inherit someone else's house.
yesterday was a monumental day for me. it was the fourth of july. historically, that's the day america gained its independence. and historically, it's one of my favorite holidays. something about the fourth of july always makes me feel good, even though i used to spend the majority of my independence days marching in parades in a silly heavy wool marching band uniform. i'm not the kind of person who would describe himself as particularly patriotic, but the timing of the fourth of july pretty much always agrees with me. for some people, it's a great excuse to begin drinking at 10 in the morning, and for other people, parades are just rockin. for me, it's just good timing. it's a day off of work, and it's a day that largely has no purpose, at least until sunset when fireworks begin. most people don't do much on the fourth of july, and i am no exception. this is why yesterday was so monumental.
as i might have mentioned, i've spent a lot of my free time (and by a lot i pretty much mean all of it) avoiding my apartment. that has been cause for some considerable discord within my sanity, but it's no better than going home and being so uncomfortable that i pace around my room for hours. so you see, lately, it's been kind of a no-win situation for me. yesterday was different, sort of. i got up and, as usual, felt as if i needed to be somewhere else doing something, so i jumped in the car, topped off my tank, and washed off my windshield. 80 miles per hour plus six hours' worth of bugs equals much more damage than my pathetic wipers can deal with, and there were actually so many bugs on there that my car smelled of old dead trout. NOT appealing in any way. anyhow, after that little pit stop, i headed in the direction of uptown so i could begin the neighborhood scoping and the grabbing of flyers. it's not the internet, but at least i can still avoid salespeople this way. after an hour or so of doing that, i had nothing and i was bored. note to self: house shopping isn't really going to be that fun.
i returned home. and i stayed there. for hours. as a matter of fact, i stayed at home yesterday until i left again for the fireworks at about 8:30. that's probably the most time i've allowed myself to live here without being asleep or having company over. it wasn't any more comfortable, though, and i certainly felt good about leaving when i left, but perhaps it's a start. i'm going to have to learn a little tolerance if i need to last another month and a half.
there's something else i should explain about myself. I DO NOT CALL PEOPLE. nobody on earth hates the phone as much as i do. there are some caveats to this rule, of course; if i told someone i was going to call at eight, i wouldn't give it a second thought. however, if someone leaves me a voicemail, i don't ever feel incredibly compelled to return it. and i certainly don't call people out of the blue. add to that the fact that most people who might have called me weren't even aware that i was in town, and you've got the perfect recipe for a boring evening. what can i say? making plans, it's not my forte. or even my mezzo-piano.
i figured that i know enough people in minneapolis by now that i can pretty much go just about anywhere and i'll see someone i know. this almost invariably never fails me. grocery shopping, target, spyhouse, theatres, restaurants, random street corners, and just about any other place i would ever want to go are always at least populated by one person i know. sometimes many. there really isn't much else to do on a fourth of july besides watching fireworks, and pretty much everyone in town goes to the stone arch bridge to do so. it wasn't going to be that hard to find someone i knew and tag along, right?
ha. right, yes. there are a lot of people who i have come into contact with at some point or another since i moved here who i do not know well enough to have a casual conversation but am nevertheless familiar with enough to say hello or at least wave. and ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE ON THE BRIDGE. i should add that nobody who i actually knew was anywhere to be found for the first couple runs i did back and forth. i found myself fabricating the most ridiculous scenarios to get out of the awkward conversations in which i kept finding myself. "yes, you see, i have friends who i was going to meet on the other side of the bridge, but none of them appear to be answering their cell phones. it's quite possible that they were overrun by a herd of mastodons, or that perhaps they no longer wish to be my friend. however, i must find them before 9:12 to ascertain this or we might have a serious problem, so i must continue on. nice to see you, my friend. perhaps i'll give you a call sometime." yeah, right. i even faked receiving a phone call to get out of one conversation.
- where to go to college
- what to major in
- changing my major
- choosing theatre arts as the alternate major
- sending my resumé to the firm at which i work
- living on campus my sophomore year at last minute
- living at argyle house with ex-best friend my senior year
- deciding not to live with said ex-best friend
- breaking up with The Ex
- deciding to live on the far end of town with no car
- deciding to move to the current apartment in which i reside the following year
- buying a car
- deciding to move out early and move in with my friend jason in burnsville...
that said, internet shopping really might be the greatest gift technology has bestowed upon me. it's a pretty anonymous method of doing my research. unfortunately, it's kind of hard to get a feel for the true majesty of a home when all you have is a pixillated 2" x 3" picture of the living room. this means that in order to find the place i want to buy, i'm going to have to deal with some of the pushiest salespeople: realtors.
maybe i can just keep renting until i inherit someone else's house.
***
yesterday was a monumental day for me. it was the fourth of july. historically, that's the day america gained its independence. and historically, it's one of my favorite holidays. something about the fourth of july always makes me feel good, even though i used to spend the majority of my independence days marching in parades in a silly heavy wool marching band uniform. i'm not the kind of person who would describe himself as particularly patriotic, but the timing of the fourth of july pretty much always agrees with me. for some people, it's a great excuse to begin drinking at 10 in the morning, and for other people, parades are just rockin. for me, it's just good timing. it's a day off of work, and it's a day that largely has no purpose, at least until sunset when fireworks begin. most people don't do much on the fourth of july, and i am no exception. this is why yesterday was so monumental.
as i might have mentioned, i've spent a lot of my free time (and by a lot i pretty much mean all of it) avoiding my apartment. that has been cause for some considerable discord within my sanity, but it's no better than going home and being so uncomfortable that i pace around my room for hours. so you see, lately, it's been kind of a no-win situation for me. yesterday was different, sort of. i got up and, as usual, felt as if i needed to be somewhere else doing something, so i jumped in the car, topped off my tank, and washed off my windshield. 80 miles per hour plus six hours' worth of bugs equals much more damage than my pathetic wipers can deal with, and there were actually so many bugs on there that my car smelled of old dead trout. NOT appealing in any way. anyhow, after that little pit stop, i headed in the direction of uptown so i could begin the neighborhood scoping and the grabbing of flyers. it's not the internet, but at least i can still avoid salespeople this way. after an hour or so of doing that, i had nothing and i was bored. note to self: house shopping isn't really going to be that fun.
i returned home. and i stayed there. for hours. as a matter of fact, i stayed at home yesterday until i left again for the fireworks at about 8:30. that's probably the most time i've allowed myself to live here without being asleep or having company over. it wasn't any more comfortable, though, and i certainly felt good about leaving when i left, but perhaps it's a start. i'm going to have to learn a little tolerance if i need to last another month and a half.
there's something else i should explain about myself. I DO NOT CALL PEOPLE. nobody on earth hates the phone as much as i do. there are some caveats to this rule, of course; if i told someone i was going to call at eight, i wouldn't give it a second thought. however, if someone leaves me a voicemail, i don't ever feel incredibly compelled to return it. and i certainly don't call people out of the blue. add to that the fact that most people who might have called me weren't even aware that i was in town, and you've got the perfect recipe for a boring evening. what can i say? making plans, it's not my forte. or even my mezzo-piano.
i figured that i know enough people in minneapolis by now that i can pretty much go just about anywhere and i'll see someone i know. this almost invariably never fails me. grocery shopping, target, spyhouse, theatres, restaurants, random street corners, and just about any other place i would ever want to go are always at least populated by one person i know. sometimes many. there really isn't much else to do on a fourth of july besides watching fireworks, and pretty much everyone in town goes to the stone arch bridge to do so. it wasn't going to be that hard to find someone i knew and tag along, right?
ha. right, yes. there are a lot of people who i have come into contact with at some point or another since i moved here who i do not know well enough to have a casual conversation but am nevertheless familiar with enough to say hello or at least wave. and ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE ON THE BRIDGE. i should add that nobody who i actually knew was anywhere to be found for the first couple runs i did back and forth. i found myself fabricating the most ridiculous scenarios to get out of the awkward conversations in which i kept finding myself. "yes, you see, i have friends who i was going to meet on the other side of the bridge, but none of them appear to be answering their cell phones. it's quite possible that they were overrun by a herd of mastodons, or that perhaps they no longer wish to be my friend. however, i must find them before 9:12 to ascertain this or we might have a serious problem, so i must continue on. nice to see you, my friend. perhaps i'll give you a call sometime." yeah, right. i even faked receiving a phone call to get out of one conversation.
7.04.2006
my new robot home, part 1.0
home is an important things, isn't it? i need one.
i've written here many times before, but i decided it was a better idea to start over fresh. actually, i'm going to start at the middle of the story, and not at the beginning.
so there i was, driving. and driving. and driving. this was the third time i've made this trip in the last month. sometimes i think it would be a little easier to live closer to my parents, but for all the hassle of buying a few tankfuls of gas and putting another weekend's plans off by a week, i still do enjoy a good, long, late-night road trip. there are three places that i think best: the shower, church, and driving alone late at night. i guess that's where my mind really begins to wander uninhibited.
anyhow, there i was, driving. and driving. and driving. it was the third of july (yesterday, if you're reading this today). the whole way back, i would sporadically see fireworks shooting off on either side of me, and you know what's frustrating? these fireworks were ostensibly shooting into the air to commemorate independence day, and here i am, driving 80mph in the wrong direction, leaving independence far behind me. it's kind of like an ex-con voluntarily returning to his cell, as fast as he humanly can, yet that's exactly what i'm doing. on this particular night, i was mulling over what exactly it is that i want when i return back to my home in minneapolis. because of some unfortunate and uncontrollable circumstances, the source of a good deal of my personal unrest comes from the fact that i live where i live and i cannot leave until the end of august.
so. so much for independence. i'm back in minneapolis, i'm back in my room, and i'm literally twitching. i need an excuse to leave, and i ran out of those weeks ago. there's only so much grocery shopping a man can do. and then there's only so much i could buy at target or ikea or pottery barn or pier 1 or any place like that. and i really never needed to go to home depot in the first place. retail therapy is no longer doing the magic it used to do for me. plus, the baristas at spyhouse are probably wondering why i can't do something more interesting with the rest of my nights, and why i keep ordering their ginger ale. i guess that part will have to remain a mystery.
since i've really run out of excuses to go somewhere, i decided to look for a place for the next time i move (this is what i usually do so i know where i will move when i leave my current residence, but i had to improvise a little since that part was more or less figured out already). there's kind of a peculiar difference this time, though. while i was at my parents' house this weekend, the topic of home ownership came up. i used to laugh at that, because i got a degree in theatre. most of the last few years, i would have considered being able to afford living in an apartment without a roommate to be a paramount financial achievement. things didn't work out as planned, though, and it turns out i do have enough dispensable income to spend the next few months saving for a home and then buying one by next year or so. this is partially electrifying and partially depressing. on one hand, i can't wait to move into a house and make it my home. perhaps i could evade my yearly june-induced emo spell by having a home in which i feel at home. and perhaps i'll find that i need to buy a new roof. it's always 50-50.
i've written here many times before, but i decided it was a better idea to start over fresh. actually, i'm going to start at the middle of the story, and not at the beginning.
***
so there i was, driving. and driving. and driving. this was the third time i've made this trip in the last month. sometimes i think it would be a little easier to live closer to my parents, but for all the hassle of buying a few tankfuls of gas and putting another weekend's plans off by a week, i still do enjoy a good, long, late-night road trip. there are three places that i think best: the shower, church, and driving alone late at night. i guess that's where my mind really begins to wander uninhibited.
anyhow, there i was, driving. and driving. and driving. it was the third of july (yesterday, if you're reading this today). the whole way back, i would sporadically see fireworks shooting off on either side of me, and you know what's frustrating? these fireworks were ostensibly shooting into the air to commemorate independence day, and here i am, driving 80mph in the wrong direction, leaving independence far behind me. it's kind of like an ex-con voluntarily returning to his cell, as fast as he humanly can, yet that's exactly what i'm doing. on this particular night, i was mulling over what exactly it is that i want when i return back to my home in minneapolis. because of some unfortunate and uncontrollable circumstances, the source of a good deal of my personal unrest comes from the fact that i live where i live and i cannot leave until the end of august.
so. so much for independence. i'm back in minneapolis, i'm back in my room, and i'm literally twitching. i need an excuse to leave, and i ran out of those weeks ago. there's only so much grocery shopping a man can do. and then there's only so much i could buy at target or ikea or pottery barn or pier 1 or any place like that. and i really never needed to go to home depot in the first place. retail therapy is no longer doing the magic it used to do for me. plus, the baristas at spyhouse are probably wondering why i can't do something more interesting with the rest of my nights, and why i keep ordering their ginger ale. i guess that part will have to remain a mystery.
since i've really run out of excuses to go somewhere, i decided to look for a place for the next time i move (this is what i usually do so i know where i will move when i leave my current residence, but i had to improvise a little since that part was more or less figured out already). there's kind of a peculiar difference this time, though. while i was at my parents' house this weekend, the topic of home ownership came up. i used to laugh at that, because i got a degree in theatre. most of the last few years, i would have considered being able to afford living in an apartment without a roommate to be a paramount financial achievement. things didn't work out as planned, though, and it turns out i do have enough dispensable income to spend the next few months saving for a home and then buying one by next year or so. this is partially electrifying and partially depressing. on one hand, i can't wait to move into a house and make it my home. perhaps i could evade my yearly june-induced emo spell by having a home in which i feel at home. and perhaps i'll find that i need to buy a new roof. it's always 50-50.
***
i'll continue this next time, because i'm immeasurably sick of sitting in this chair. getting away from the computer is probably my first step on the road to happiness.
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