Thunderferret

Clearly I have my browser add-on back intact. We really have a lot to be thankful for, don't we? Okay. Moving along. Speaking of resolutions, I also thought it might be a good idea to make one that could actually benefit my day-to-day life in a more palpable way. Now that this is going to be written down I'm going to have to be a lot more careful about abandoning it, because if I go back here and read about this in six months, I'm going to feel kind of bad about letting go. However, because of the nature of my resolution, I shall temper my explanation of it. I've been told I can be negative. I kind of knew that. Sarcastic, negative, hater-ish, whatever. I've heard these terms, and I don't even totally disagree with them, although it's certainly not the whole picture. After getting some clarification from a friend, I decided that I just need to be a little less bitey and sardonic with new people. It was suggested that it was a defense mechanism and not the 'real me.' Fair enough. I'll allow some of that.

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Okay. Editor's note. Nearly a month has elapsed since I started this post. It's been hanging in draft-land. However, I just thought of something else I needed to add to my list of resolutions. It seems kind of silly to wait till the middle of February to post stuff about New Year's resolutions, but it's better than complaining about Valentine's Day, right? Anyway, this next resolution, this next little promise to myself, is the result of having spent this entire week in Chicago doing some professional training that taught me something that goes far beyond what I do in a cubicle every day. So here's my new twofold plan:

Part 1: Don't overestimate own ability so much. This is something I've always tried to be mindful of, but I keep thinking of (recent) times when I thought I knew what I was talking about and actually had no idea.

Part 2: Don't underestimate own ability so much. This was the surprise. I've spent a lot of time thinking about #1 in my lifetime. And as a result I overcompensate. Well. I charge myself to remember that I work hard and I learn fast. Sometimes I do get to be the expert.

Life adjustments, tiny little tweaks like this, they're everywhere in my personal sphere. They make for small improvements, but small as they may be, they are noticeable.

Sighs. No Firesomething On This Box Yet.

I can tell I'm going to have a hard time getting to sleep tonight. Tomorrow I have my Q3/Q4 performance review. At the end of the day, no less. Why am I concerned about this? Technically, I'm not. I've actually probably exceeded expectations in just about every way (don't worry, I think they were pretty low to begin with. I didn't list 'managing expectations' in my 'things I'm really good at' section on OKCupid for no reason). I've done good work, I'm still doing good work, and I've really pushed for making the project I'm working on right now happen. Obviously it wasn't all me, but I did play a pretty key role in landing this project, and it's worth a lot of money to the company. So, these are all good things. But... there's still always that nagging, lingering fear that I'm going to be fired or at least told that if my work doesn't improve in the next month or two I can count on being unemployed. I cannot explain the source of this irrational fear. It makes absolutely NO sense.

ANYWAY. There have to be better things to write about. In fact, I know there are. I have a lot of thoughts! I think all the time! Why is nothing getting recorded? I keep making resolutions. Not in May this time around, fortunately. But is there a limit? I'm already "trying" to get to work earlier and keep up my timesheet and spend less money on stuff I don't need, especially fast food. I suppose there's still plenty of room left for playing more trumpet, learning new things on the guitar, and of course writing the occasional blog post here.

I'm rearranging. That's a start. Perhaps tomorrow I can write about that. Tonight, however, I need to try that sleeping thing. Heavy emphasis on TRY because I highly doubt I'm going to be successful for the first few hours.