Junglecricket

This has been a tough week. I've been thinking much more than I should be, which generally leads to sleepless nights and long workdays. This week has certainly not been an exception. My life feels like it's stuck in a really weird state of false starts and discontinuities and I'm not really sure why, but it's a pattern that - now that I think of it - has really been going on for the last few years, with a few exceptions. So ironic that after months of soul-searching about what I really want, I figure it out only to find out 12 hours later that I cannot have it, and I might never get the chance again. Sure, I'll meet other women. It's not like I live in an igloo on a remote Arctic island. But, you keep raising the bar and it keeps getting harder. For someone who likes control over shaping the present and future, at least for himself, I'm entering into a very difficult period, because right now I just have to wait and see. Everything is suspended midair and when and where it falls is not up to me. I just have to make sure I can be ready to react and try to catch it.

Turbomule

So, April. Wow. I have this thing, April never really turns out great, but it generally always lays a foundation for restarting everything and starting anew. This probably makes for a good explanation of why in previous years I've thought about New Year's resolution-type initiatives for myself so much later in the year. Perhaps I was calibrated to follow the 365-day calendar from day one without waiting until the first January, seeing how I was born in April. Anyway, this has been a month of rejection and disappointment, but I'm not feeling horrible about all of it. Well not at this very moment, at least.

So anyway, here's the rundown:

My job is turning out to be the biggest mixed bag ever. Career-wise I'm shooting straight in the direction I want to be shooting in, and I'm on the fast track to getting where I want to go. Really it's just a matter of time before I have the experience to go with the skills. This is definitely a good thing, but if I want to stay here on this path I have to put up with working for a company that as a corporate body doesn't particularly value the work my group does or at least respect the complexity to it, which translates to a lot of pushback from HR on things like salary, benefits, etc. I just found out that I'm a level lower than I thought I was when I started the job, which means less compensation all the way around for me. My bosses weren't even aware of this so I probably can't get promoted till summer at the soonest and even more likely till this time next year. That is balls, my friends. Just balls. I interviewed at a really hip consulting firm and they told me they're interested in hiring me but they don't know what for just yet. So I wait and I see.

Dating is something I've never been able to enjoy doing, most likely because until recently I've never been able to do it successfully. Somehow that has changed in recent months. Girls are a lot more interested in eating free dinner with me than they used to be, I suppose. I've also embraced the idea of online dating, because it's really not that bad or weird. I met a girl who I totally feel head over heels for. Unfortunately, I fell head over heels about a week too late and she had given up on the idea of dating me. This has created a lot of tension for me, for her, and for us. Dated a couple handfuls of other girls after it all fell apart and none of them are doing it for me. I'm starting to get away from it a little though, so maybe this is looking up. I don't know.

I got fired from my main musical project. It was a bullshit move, a change for the sake of making a change, and I was the one who got the short end of the stick because I wasn't there when the other three were having the conversation. Fortunately, I'm supposed to be getting a regular sub spot in a well-established working 10-piece soul/funk band.

So yeah, that's basically it. I'll probably edit or delete this pretty soon, because I don't like list-type summaries of my life here or anywhere else, but it's nice to get it out on pixels for now.