Hypnopelican

Oh, if ever there was a good time for a change of pace, that time is now.

A good friend of mine suggested I go on vacation to kind of get away from things for a bit. God knows my life isn't as calm as it should be, and the chaos is really starting to eat away at me.

So - I guess now is as good a time as any to start trying to figure out where to go, who to see, and what to do.

Junglecricket

This has been a tough week. I've been thinking much more than I should be, which generally leads to sleepless nights and long workdays. This week has certainly not been an exception. My life feels like it's stuck in a really weird state of false starts and discontinuities and I'm not really sure why, but it's a pattern that - now that I think of it - has really been going on for the last few years, with a few exceptions. So ironic that after months of soul-searching about what I really want, I figure it out only to find out 12 hours later that I cannot have it, and I might never get the chance again. Sure, I'll meet other women. It's not like I live in an igloo on a remote Arctic island. But, you keep raising the bar and it keeps getting harder. For someone who likes control over shaping the present and future, at least for himself, I'm entering into a very difficult period, because right now I just have to wait and see. Everything is suspended midair and when and where it falls is not up to me. I just have to make sure I can be ready to react and try to catch it.

Turbomule

So, April. Wow. I have this thing, April never really turns out great, but it generally always lays a foundation for restarting everything and starting anew. This probably makes for a good explanation of why in previous years I've thought about New Year's resolution-type initiatives for myself so much later in the year. Perhaps I was calibrated to follow the 365-day calendar from day one without waiting until the first January, seeing how I was born in April. Anyway, this has been a month of rejection and disappointment, but I'm not feeling horrible about all of it. Well not at this very moment, at least.

So anyway, here's the rundown:

My job is turning out to be the biggest mixed bag ever. Career-wise I'm shooting straight in the direction I want to be shooting in, and I'm on the fast track to getting where I want to go. Really it's just a matter of time before I have the experience to go with the skills. This is definitely a good thing, but if I want to stay here on this path I have to put up with working for a company that as a corporate body doesn't particularly value the work my group does or at least respect the complexity to it, which translates to a lot of pushback from HR on things like salary, benefits, etc. I just found out that I'm a level lower than I thought I was when I started the job, which means less compensation all the way around for me. My bosses weren't even aware of this so I probably can't get promoted till summer at the soonest and even more likely till this time next year. That is balls, my friends. Just balls. I interviewed at a really hip consulting firm and they told me they're interested in hiring me but they don't know what for just yet. So I wait and I see.

Dating is something I've never been able to enjoy doing, most likely because until recently I've never been able to do it successfully. Somehow that has changed in recent months. Girls are a lot more interested in eating free dinner with me than they used to be, I suppose. I've also embraced the idea of online dating, because it's really not that bad or weird. I met a girl who I totally feel head over heels for. Unfortunately, I fell head over heels about a week too late and she had given up on the idea of dating me. This has created a lot of tension for me, for her, and for us. Dated a couple handfuls of other girls after it all fell apart and none of them are doing it for me. I'm starting to get away from it a little though, so maybe this is looking up. I don't know.

I got fired from my main musical project. It was a bullshit move, a change for the sake of making a change, and I was the one who got the short end of the stick because I wasn't there when the other three were having the conversation. Fortunately, I'm supposed to be getting a regular sub spot in a well-established working 10-piece soul/funk band.

So yeah, that's basically it. I'll probably edit or delete this pretty soon, because I don't like list-type summaries of my life here or anywhere else, but it's nice to get it out on pixels for now.

Hyperbass

Decisions are not easy for me. Big ones, small ones, pretty much anything in between - when I'm faced with these decisions, I tend to freeze like a deer lanced by the xenon swords of a Range Rover speeding toward it.

I get the feeling that this is probably not a good thing.

Anyway. I've finally agreed with my paranoid subconscious that it would be okay to settle into a semi-serious relationship should a good opportunity arise. Of course, it took such an opportunity and a soft ultimatum to get me there, but I got there. Unfortunately, I finally came to that decision after spending the better part of a month alternating between fretting about it and completely ignoring it, sometimes both within the span of five minutes, and she gave up about twelve hours before I finally made up my mind. I never said I'm not at least a little crazy. Oh well. But anyway, who cares? A big decision was made, so this problem is solved, no?

No, of course it isn't. This would be a much shorter post if it was. A week or two ago a former coworker sent me an email telling me it was "time" and that I should get my résumé ready. Knowing what I know about referral bonuses in the modern corporate environment, I was more or less content to laugh it off and tell him to try someone else, but as it turns out he had actually spoken with people in his company and they decided they wanted to talk to me, so the next email I got was from a representative from their HR department. So, I decided I'd talk to them, partly out of curiosity about the job, partly because I couldn't see a good reason NOT to, and partly because there were a few things I was not wild about at my current job and salary reviews were just around the corner. The contact turned into a phone interview with HR, which turned into a phone interview (of course conducted while I was commuting to work, because I take life SO seriously) with the practice area lead. These led to in-person interviews, which were conducted this morning.

I'll spare anyone reading this (as well as myself since I'm writing it) the gory details, but I can say that there is an abnormal amount of whiteboard space in their office and they made me do math right in front of them, which was certainly not a scenario I ever envisioned even in my wildest of algebra class daydreams.

Ultimately what this all means is that within the next two days a decision will be made about whether or not to extend me an offer, and if they do I'm right back to having to make another big decision. I get the feeling that I did pretty poorly last time this happened and I ended up getting burned, and really getting the worst of both worlds; I'm okay with dating the girl and she doesn't want to date me now. I can't see how I'd spin that as a win, although it's certainly not some sort of epic loss. Either way, that's what I'm looking at again with this decision. I can't lose with a good job and salary negotiations right around the corner. It's not like they're going to pay me less money. However, this could be a great opportunity facing me and I might really botch it, possibly even ruffling some feathers in my current organization as well. I would hate to see that happen.

Needless to say, I'm really looking forward to April. For one, this decision, if I have to make one, will be behind me and I'll either be refocusing my career path at my current job or packing up my personal stuff and moving it to a new office by my birthday. And who knows, maybe turning 25 will also magically make me better at making decisions. Or maybe just less prone to making stupid wishes that involve magic intervention and perfect alignment of lifespan and the Gregorian calendar. I'm not going to hold my breath for either, though.

Watermollusk

Dear lord am I ever in trouble. I don't even know where to begin.

Have you ever had the feeling that you were the only person in the universe who really counts? Because, at least within my own head, that's kind of how I've been feeling the last couple years. I open up pretty quickly to people, but there are some pretty impenetrable barriers under the surface. And the result is that I'm all alone in my own head, and sometimes that isn't the greatest feeling.

Thunderferret

Clearly I have my browser add-on back intact. We really have a lot to be thankful for, don't we? Okay. Moving along. Speaking of resolutions, I also thought it might be a good idea to make one that could actually benefit my day-to-day life in a more palpable way. Now that this is going to be written down I'm going to have to be a lot more careful about abandoning it, because if I go back here and read about this in six months, I'm going to feel kind of bad about letting go. However, because of the nature of my resolution, I shall temper my explanation of it. I've been told I can be negative. I kind of knew that. Sarcastic, negative, hater-ish, whatever. I've heard these terms, and I don't even totally disagree with them, although it's certainly not the whole picture. After getting some clarification from a friend, I decided that I just need to be a little less bitey and sardonic with new people. It was suggested that it was a defense mechanism and not the 'real me.' Fair enough. I'll allow some of that.

***

Okay. Editor's note. Nearly a month has elapsed since I started this post. It's been hanging in draft-land. However, I just thought of something else I needed to add to my list of resolutions. It seems kind of silly to wait till the middle of February to post stuff about New Year's resolutions, but it's better than complaining about Valentine's Day, right? Anyway, this next resolution, this next little promise to myself, is the result of having spent this entire week in Chicago doing some professional training that taught me something that goes far beyond what I do in a cubicle every day. So here's my new twofold plan:

Part 1: Don't overestimate own ability so much. This is something I've always tried to be mindful of, but I keep thinking of (recent) times when I thought I knew what I was talking about and actually had no idea.

Part 2: Don't underestimate own ability so much. This was the surprise. I've spent a lot of time thinking about #1 in my lifetime. And as a result I overcompensate. Well. I charge myself to remember that I work hard and I learn fast. Sometimes I do get to be the expert.

Life adjustments, tiny little tweaks like this, they're everywhere in my personal sphere. They make for small improvements, but small as they may be, they are noticeable.

Sighs. No Firesomething On This Box Yet.

I can tell I'm going to have a hard time getting to sleep tonight. Tomorrow I have my Q3/Q4 performance review. At the end of the day, no less. Why am I concerned about this? Technically, I'm not. I've actually probably exceeded expectations in just about every way (don't worry, I think they were pretty low to begin with. I didn't list 'managing expectations' in my 'things I'm really good at' section on OKCupid for no reason). I've done good work, I'm still doing good work, and I've really pushed for making the project I'm working on right now happen. Obviously it wasn't all me, but I did play a pretty key role in landing this project, and it's worth a lot of money to the company. So, these are all good things. But... there's still always that nagging, lingering fear that I'm going to be fired or at least told that if my work doesn't improve in the next month or two I can count on being unemployed. I cannot explain the source of this irrational fear. It makes absolutely NO sense.

ANYWAY. There have to be better things to write about. In fact, I know there are. I have a lot of thoughts! I think all the time! Why is nothing getting recorded? I keep making resolutions. Not in May this time around, fortunately. But is there a limit? I'm already "trying" to get to work earlier and keep up my timesheet and spend less money on stuff I don't need, especially fast food. I suppose there's still plenty of room left for playing more trumpet, learning new things on the guitar, and of course writing the occasional blog post here.

I'm rearranging. That's a start. Perhaps tomorrow I can write about that. Tonight, however, I need to try that sleeping thing. Heavy emphasis on TRY because I highly doubt I'm going to be successful for the first few hours.